Alone

What's worse than being alone?

Nothing.

And I don't just mean being single for life, or whatever I mean really being alone.

Like the silent darkness

Or the knowledge that you're on your own and no one is coming for you but you need them. And you're scared.

Now that's bad.

But what's worse is knowing that something is there, and then having it taken away.

Single forever isn't bad.

But love. Love is terrible.

Having love and then losing it.

That's what alone feels like.

That's as lonely as anyone could ever be.

That's what I'm afraid of.

The Little Things

Remember when we weren't in love?

When the background on your phone was always a football team logo and I had no one to give the cookies I baked to.

Remember when we had free time, so we did our laundry.

Remember when you and I were both craving love and some how didn't even know we were?

And how I used to have to wear my own jackets? And we would pay attention in school...

But now we are in love, and the background on your phone is a picture of me.

And I bake cookies for you. And now neither of us have time to do laundry cause we're always together and now we know what love is.

And now you never have a jacket to wear cause I'm always stealing them, that's ok right? And now neither of us pay attention in class cause we have to be communicating at all times.

All because we're in love

Bricks upon bricks

You start with nothing

Just some dirt or clay

And some water

So you put them together

And work at it

And you shape it into what you want it to be

A brick

And now you can benefit from it

It can protect you

It can shield you from the cold

It can hold what you want inside

But only if you use it the right way

Only if you build something with it

It will take work 

And you may have to touch it up every once in a while

But it will be worth it

Because it provides you with so much

You start out with nothing

Just you and your empty heart

And another person

And their empty heart

So you put them together

Cause they want to be and they belong

Because together they can be something better and they know it

And no other is the right match for this perfect recipe

So you shape it into what you want it to be

And you make it perfect

And now you can benefit from it

It can protect you

It can shield you from the sadness 

It can hold your heart

But only if you use it the right way

If you work at it and build it to make it better

And you may have to touch it up every once in a while

But it will be worth it

Because it provides you with so much

No one really knows

What is love? No one really knows. Love is whatever you want it to be. Right? Or is it something else? Is it even real? Is it just a feeling or is it more? 

Love is everything.

Love isn't just kissing in the rain or a dozen red roses.

It's more than that.

A lot more.

Love is sharing your favorite food even when you only have a little left. Because you want them to be happy more than you want yourself to be.

Love is having a meeting place.

Love is dancing terribly together.

Love is what comes first, or at least it should.

Love is messing up each others hair.

Love is the silly car rides with laughs.

Love is holding each other and wishing you never had to let go.

Love is wanting to share your life.

Love is what lasts.

Love is lucky.

So if you have it. Hold on to it. And don't you dare let go just because you think there might me something a little better out there for you. Because you're lucky. You got a shot at love. Some of us don't. You better not let go.

Love Letters

If I had to tell you that I love you in a different way everyday

I could do it 

And maybe it's because I get creative with my words sometimes

Or maybe it's because there are so many ways to love you

On the first day I would simply say "I love you"

The next day I would tell you that I love your eyes

Or that I just love to be with you

I could tell you that I love your laugh or the way you love me

Now I could go through every little detail about you that I love and that would probably take a month or two

And then I would start telling you the other reasons I love you

Not just simple reasons

But the ones you don't think of everyday

I would tell you that I love the way you stay in my heart and I know you're always there

I'd tell you that I love the way you make a mess of us and then piece it back together

I'd tell you that I love the way you cry in my arms and stop as soon as I say that I will always love you

I'd tell you that I love our love

I'd tell you that I love to take care of you and that I love the way we share this fragile thing and we take care of it together and we work at it together

I'd tell you that

And maybe some days I'd be saying the exact same words as the last or as three moths ago but it'd still be different

Because this time

My love for you is more than the last

Crayons

When I was given a box of crayons on the first day of school every year as a child, I didn't want to use them. I didn't want to ruin them. They were so perfect. All perfectly sharpened and beautiful. As soon as I used them, they were all broken and dull. It was best if I left them alone. 

Like the world. Better if I didn't touch it or effect it at all.

But then someone told me to use my crayons.

And I did.

And that's when I realized that it didn't hurt anything.

Maybe it could make things better.

So I grabbed the crayons and the paint.

I found some paper, I found a wall.

And I made the world better.

And then I realized that I could make the world better with more than just crayons and paint and markers.

I could dance.

I could sing.

I could write.

And maybe it'd be terrible.

But sometimes terrible things make the world better.

And even if it is terrible.

It didn't hurt.

I'd rather be a terrible creator than not be one at all.

The world needs creators.

Good and bad.

So, here. Have some crayons.

To those who've never gone down.

This is to those who've never gone down. 

To those who've never known what it's like.

It being depression.

You may be reading this thinking "I know exactly what it is and what it's like"

But you don't.

Heck I might not even know what it's like.

I think I've been there.

But surely I've never been as deep down as someone else.

But if you happen to be the person reading this who thinks "I've never been depressed" well this is for you.

You don't choose to do it and you don't realize it's happening until it's over.

It's a constant fight.

First you fight to stop it.

Because when it starts, it's just a bad day and surely tomorrow will be better.

But tomorrow gets worse.

Oh well maybe I'm just having a bad week you think to yourself.

But it lasts longer than a week.

Everyday getting worse than the one before it.

Not because of what's happening or what the people around you are doing. Of course you'll truly believe that that's what's to blame, but it isn't. What's truly at fault is yourself. You're sick. You don't know it but you are. Theres no cure or remedy. You just have to wait it out. You think everyone hates you and when they treat you well, you think it's out of sympathy or that they will turn it around at any moment and laugh. That it's all a trick. 

But then one day you realize that today was better than yesterday and you laugh a little. You love someone a little and you realize that that someone did something for you and it was genuine. Not a trick. And then you feel happy. But NO! It's wrong! You can't feel happy! You can't have a friend! You are sad and pathetic and you simply need to wallow in your pity for the rest I your life and feel terrible about yourself. Because you're worthless. So you fight it! You fight the only good in your life to make it go away. But it doesn't. Everyday is better than the day before, and you can't stop it. 

Now to those of you who've never gone down, that's what it's like.

Broken keyboard

It's like you're invisible. But not completely invisible. Because if you were, they wouldn't be able to see you. See you to laugh at you and to make themselves better in the eyes of those laughing with them. Like the only reason they see you is because they want to laugh. And if you do something good, they just pretend that it's gone. And somehow you feel like this right here, this very thing you're writing will somehow teach them a lesson. But it won't. They will just continue laughing. And if you write something good, they will pretend it isn't there. So you want to stop writing. Cause maybe your keyboard is broken. But then you realize it's not. It's you. You're broken. So then you try to work. You read and you write and then you read some more so you can become better. Just so you can be invisible. Completely invisible. Because no attention at all is better than the negative attention. And all the while you hope. Just a little bit of hope in the back of your mind, that one day you could be like them. Even just a little. One little comment on your work being great is all. But it won't happen. And you know that. But then you remember how great your life is. How happy it is even though you can't write something as great or even close to as great as theirs with all your work and time put into it. You can't write something even close to theirs with all you have even when they write it without a single thought or breath. So you just stay happy with your life because it's great. And maybe you would wish all the world away just to write something half as good as theirs but you have something they don't have. And maybe they want what you have, they just don't realize you have it. So then you feel content. But here you are. Still writing. 

I'm here.

I'm a soul.

I'm broken and scared but I'm here.

No one knows me or what I feel.

No one cares.

And it's ok.

I don't need them to care.

I only need one thing.

I need to love.

It doesn't matter what it is that I'm loving, just that I am.

I need to laugh.

I need to express who I am and who I want to be. So I will.

I will write.

I will read.

I will create.

I will care.

And if I can't do those things then I will make something up.

I'll create something to love and care about and I'll laugh about it too.

Maybe I'll even write something and then read it. And I'll love it.

Or maybe I'll get lucky.

Maybe I'll find someone to love.

Then I can write about them.

And read it.

And I can laugh with them and care about them.

Maybe I'll get lucky.

I'm here. Hoping to get lucky.