I'm sick

I'm sick of everyone saying fall is a bad thing. I'm sick of you all complaining about the cold weather and your tan going away. And I want you to just stop. Close your eyes and feel the cool breeze. Listen to the crunch of the leaves under your feet and love the moment you're in. Because Christmas is coming for goodness sakes! Why aren't you excited???!!!! Or maybe you need a better reason. Maybe you should love this moment because it could be your last. But even if it was, it wouldn't matter. I'm sick of people not appreciating everyday for what it is.

 You're running out of days. And there's no way to earn more.

I'm sick of people making a cover. I'm sick of the hours of time you put on your outside appearance and the little time on the inside. Just so people will think you're better than everyone. Maybe we shouldn't relate this to our physical appearance. Instead let's relate it to our journals. I'm sick of your intricate notebook covers and your sloppy inside pages. I'm sick of you trying to get attention for it. It's ok though.

I'm just gonna leave my cover blank. And you'll see a plain notebook. But I'll see me.

I'm sick of the the high school popularity system. Just stop.

What I wish you knew.

I wish you knew what I'm really thinking.

What I'm thinking when you're all laughing about what the homecoming king just said and when you're all admiring something great. I wish you knew what I'm thinking everytime we all focus on the same people over and over again.

I wish you'd think of the girl who's never been recognized and how she feels. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the good old, "Be a friend to the friendless!" and the, "I challenge you to all find someone who needs a friend" no. That's not what I mean. 

What I really want you to know is that I'm aching, but it doesn't hurt because I know better. And I worry about those who don't. 

I ache because so few receive all the praise in this world and so many receive none. And they deserve some too. Half of us don't praise the people we do because we actually like them. We just start liking what the people around us like.

I wish you knew that I'm worried about you. Because I am. I'm worried that you aren't being recognized, and you deserve it. All because we're following a leader and we're all liking what they like. I'm worried because I know how you feel. I'm not recognized either. But remember. I know better.

I wish you knew better too. I know you cry in the shower because then you can't really tell how many tears there are. And maybe it will make the pain seem less not knowing about your tears.

I know because I used to cry in the shower too. And then, I'd get out and pretend it didn't happen. And I'd put that smile on and walk out into a world that doesn't recognize me. But then I learned. And now I know better.

I know that everyone and their opinion doesn't matter. I know how to not care. And that's the best feeling. 

I wish you knew how to not care. I wish you knew how to ache without feeling pain. Like me. You're able to be happy. Although I will admit you'll be very annoyed with the way our world works...but you'll be happy.

I wish you knew, but until you do. I'm the lucky one who doesn't care.

Insides

My insides know me better than any of you.

They even know me better than I know myself.

They know what I want, and sometimes that's hard to know.

My insides tell me everything I need to know, but what frustrates me is that they hold things from me. My insides know things way before I do and that's because they don't tell me everything as soon as they know it. And sometimes they just leave things out.

But then I learned why they do that.

It's cause they know I'll figure it out eventually and they know that things will be better for me if I don't know things as soon as they do. My insides are smart.

Sometimes I wish they weren't though...

I've learned a lot from my insides and if I could give you any advice about yours, listen to them.

They know everything.

And they can't keep it all from you.

It's like your insides have a bunch of peanut butter and jelly which is the information they are keeping from you. But they have to keep it on bread to make a sandwich and a little bit of peanut butter and jelly always squishes out onto the edge of your sandwich. Well that little bit is the information that they cannot hide. Now they didn't just tell you like they do when they actually want you to know something, they just couldn't keep it from squishing out. So that's when you have to do what they always say "listen to your heart" or "go soul searching" or "listen to your gut" and usually when you do those things, it turns out just fine. And even if it doesn't, that was what was supposed to happen and that's where you're supposed to be.

Your insides know. I promise.

Don't leave me here...

I know it's not likely but I long for us to die in each other's arms in the exact same moment.

Then we wouldn't have to face death. I'm more afraid to watch you die than to die myself. I'm more afraid to lose you than to lose my life.

But I know we aren't that lucky. We've already been blessed to have each other for so long, it's someone else's turn for the luck.

So we must face death.

If you leave before I do, I'll cry everyday.

I'll cry because I miss you and wish I could wake up next to you and make you breakfast. I'll cry because I feel alone and would give anything to feel your arms around me just one more time. I would cry because I am afraid. I would lay over your grave and tell you about my day. I'd cry and I'd laugh with you cause I need to feel again.

And I'd hope to be with you soon.

But if I leave before you do, I'd be thankful to know it was your arms that I was in when I left and your eyes I was looking into. I'd cry because I can't bear to watch you suffer. And I'd cry because I wish you were here with me. But most of all, I'd be your angel. 

I'd comfort you when you miss me and be there when you wake up. I'd listen and laugh and cry with you when you tell me about your day. I'd love you and protect you. I'd spend every minute with you and I'd be your angel.

And I'd hope to be with you soon.

And that's why I fear death. That's why I can't face it.