So I press as hard down into my wrist as I can allow myself.
It stings.
But still, only a scratch.
Hardly any blood. But that's what I need. I need blood for attention. For the attention I've been begging for. For the attention I thought I deserved.
How did I get here? I've never wanted to inflict physical pain on myself. Why now? How would this get me the attention I want? Well it'll let him know I'm serious. And that I won't do this anymore. It'll let him know that I'm as important as she is. It'll make him treat me better. I hope.
But I can't do it. So I put the razor down and cry myself to sleep. And the next morning I beg once more
I'm sorry. You're worth everything.
ReplyDeleteAnd he is not worth it.
I hope that never happens again.
ReplyDeleteIf it does, come write a blog post instead.
Actually, if you want attention, come naked to school. That'll get a lot of attention.
hahaha props ^
Deletewhoa
DeleteMy heart is breaking...this made me cry. For a few different reasons: 1) because I do the same thing for almost the same reasons 2) I know you and I didn't know things were this bad... 3) I wish there was something I could do to help.
ReplyDeleteI hope you know that I love you, even though you don't know it's me. You're not alone. And I agree with Sky, he's just not worth it. Don't bring yourself to his level...
And Benji said it haha just come naked to school, way better alternative.
Love you! And as much as this post broke my heart, I still love reading your blog.
Thanks for looking out for me guys :)
ReplyDeleteDon't let it get to you! i know it's easier said than done. Come up with a better distraction. I like to go on drives when i'm feeling down. It helps. We're all here for you :) we're all listening.
ReplyDeleteBeing ignored sucks. I feel you.
ReplyDelete"How did I get here?"
It's crazy how often we ask ourselves this. I hope you can just write about it instead of actually experiencing it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get depressed I do things for others and not myself and I wonder why I could have ever wanted attention in the first place when giving it is so much better. Just a thought.
ReplyDeletei want to cry. this was so sad and so powerful. and i'm sorry bout that guy. sounds like he's a real douche.
ReplyDeletethe boy left you or whatever and you are bitter about it. Don't hate yourself, if anything hate him. He doesn't care enough about you or your feelings and someone like that isn't worth your time. So stop giving him something he doesn't deserve. He doesn't deserve your time or your tears or your blood. He has taken your happiness from you long enough. Don't give him anymore. (this topic obviously makes me upset and I just want to say your self worth isn't determined by boys or the amount of attention people give you. This post made me cry and I want you to know you are brave for writing it) :)
ReplyDeleteAMEN!
DeleteI dig Benji's idea on coming naked to school to get attention. Can you imagine Syd Hackford hahaha that would be amazing!
But seriously this post gets to me. You're so incredibly brave for writing it. But seriously SCREW him and I hope you know you're better than him and you deserve better. Reasons why I love this blogging thing is when posts like this bring the class together. We'd kick his ass :)